I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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