What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
