Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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