There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
