at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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