just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
