I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
