I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
