I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
