Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
