the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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