so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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