I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
jump out the window naked night went bad
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