I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
