I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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