If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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