when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
