I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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