This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
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when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
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What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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