if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
