Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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