I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
