Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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