wanna go halves on a baby?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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