foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
