You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
