I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
