he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
