I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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