I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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