Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
