6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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