Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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