I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
