Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
