If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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