what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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