So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
