Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
