Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
