Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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