are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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