So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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