Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
