I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
