doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
