You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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