last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
