I'll bet she douches with gravy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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