Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
