I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
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