i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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