So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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