bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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