ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
