I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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