If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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